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I’m tired of “hiding” it. At this point I’d rather have it out in the open for everyone to know. So here it is:

The likelihood of Adam and I having children is slim to none.

We’ve both been tested. There are issues with us both. Are we sad? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Are we okay with it? No….and yes.

It has been a huge struggle for me to come to grips with this knowledge. To know I may not ever be able to bear Adam’s children is gut-wrenching.

But I feel as though I’ve come full circle. I didn’t marry Adam to have babies. If I had only married for babies I would have married the first guy who asked. I married this amazing man because I love him.

Adam studying at Starbucks

Adam studying at Starbucks

I married him because I knew after three to four weeks of talking on the phone with him for hours (and I hate talking on the phone!) he was my “one”. I married him because I’ve never felt safer. I married him because he challenges me to love the Lord more fully.

I didn’t marry him for children. Children were supposed to be an added joy to our already happy and full life. The thought of children wasn’t supposed to add stress and heartache to our marriage. But that isn’t the way life has worked out for us. The thought of not being able to have “blood” children does occasionally add stress and it is a constant dull ache in our hearts.

But I am, we are, comforted by the great Comforter. Adam and I have prayed and talked about all this over and over and over. And we are comforted because we know there is always hope.