The Joneses have been trying to get pregnant for a while….like since March. The first couple months after we started trying it was fun. The thought of possibly getting pregnant that week is thrilling and exciting. But months and months of false pregnancy tests and months and months of “shark week” (as a dear friend calls it) starting on time, or a few days late, and then a time or two about a month late has made me very hurt and, to be honest, I have never experienced that kind of pain. I don’t think I can describe it for you either.
Adding to the pain of my body just not working is the fact that most of my friends have gotten pregnant in the last two to three months (with seemly little to no trying). I am happy for them. Please do not think I’m not! But every time I get a picture of positive pregnancy test or an ultrasound picture shoved in my face with screams of delight, “I’M PREGNANT!”, my pain is renewed. My heart, mind, and body is suddenly filled with confusing emotions of joy for them and hurt for my childless womb. The pain is too much and Adam has held me on numerous occasions when all I can do is wail with sorrow upon sorrows. I feel like my body is failing my husband.
When we started trying I talked to my doctor and she said to give it year and if I wasn’t pregnant by then we’d start testing to see if something is truly wrong. But she didn’t warn me of the crazy hurt I’d have to deal with if I didn’t get pregnant. We have a few more months before our “year” is up so honestly it could just be a matter of bad timing. But whatever the case is for us my purpose in writing this today is to share how painful trying to conceive can be for others and to share the healing God has brought my heart.
You may not have any problem getting pregnant. You might even be one of those girls whose husband can look at you and BOOM! out pops #4. It may only take getting off birth control for a month or two before you’re nursing a baby bump. No matter how quickly it takes please remember in your wonderful season of joy there may be other couples around you who can’t get pregnant. If you know you and a friend are trying to get pregnant at the same time and you get pregnant first be sensitive how you share your precious news. I can guarantee your friend will shed a few tears in the privacy of her home.
I have been following and participating with my favorite author during her Advent Journey. Claudia Mair Burney has been posting devotionals on Facebook and adds a creative assignment to go along with it. I love it. I completed the first couple with no problems. But I got to yesterday and the assignment was to draw a self-portrait of yourself pregnant with Christ. I couldn’t. It hurt. I cried. So I sent Claudia a private message. I confessed my pain to her. She loved on me and prayed for me and encouraged me to express my pain through art. I woke this morning with a vision in my head and could not get it out. This is my finished work. This is me pregnant with Christ. Oh, how HE radiates for all to see!
It may seem a little odd to you but it speaks to me. It opens my heart to the Savior. It fills me with joy of the coming season and Who we celebrate. “The inviting glow of being pregnant with Christ radiates for all to see”. I hope and pray this is my life. That people see and feel the glow of Christ in me. I pray the truth of John 3:30 is true in all areas of my life. The Message says, “…This is the assigned moment for Him to move to the center, while I slip off to the sidelines.” Or if you like a more traditional version the ESV says, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” May this be true in all of us.