I know how to hid things. We’ve discussed this in depth many times so you know this as much as I do. Sometimes I am really good at hiding it from others and myself. But never from the Lord. Goodness, sometimes I really can’t stand that. And I know the Lord loves me and His reason for showing me my errors is because He loves me.
Life has been frustrating me greatly. I had not been dealing with my frustration either. Wren is right: the fact that I am just “starting” my college career, a job, etc has been weighing heavily on my heart. I sometimes feel like I’ve missed so many things because of the choices I’ve made. Of course, given the choice I wouldn’t go back and change those decisions. But it is hard being around 19, 20 year old kids all the time and feeling like I could have already completed so much and yet I’m only beginning. Wren almost made almost made me cry at work. I didn’t think anyone could see through me but he could. God has given him the gift of discernment or rather I am not as good at hiding things as I though.
Vehicles have been a big source of stress. It’s mostly pride and I’ve never felt this way before, but I hate driving that van. It’s embarrassing and no one seems to understand why. Dad did tell me that I will be able to drive B’s car home from the wedding. I am soo excited about B getting married but I’m also really excited about having something smaller to drive.
Wren also reminded me that I don’t have to be SuperWoman. And that it’s okay not to have it all together. I often feel like I have to have it all together or I’m going to fail. Perhaps my real failure comes in not letting go at times.
He reminded me that I need to take time for fun… and asked me if I’ve been walking. I’ve been taking “me” time… But I haven’t been walking or even really exercising and I can’t stand that. My weight has always been a struggle; in the self-esteem area and more recently in my actual weight. I need to be doing some cardio, but finding time has become my biggest enemy. And of course, being an emotional eater does not help at all. I’ve discovered that I am more of an emotional drinker and coke is my alcohol. Not good for my waistline…
Dear Father Love, continue to draw me near to You. My heart is bleeding for so many reasons. Some of which are valid, some stupid, some crazy, etc. But the point is I need You. Forgive my sin, the temptations of my heart and the wickedness of my mind. Cleanse me. Pour out Your love, forgiveness, mercy, and grace to my deprived soul. Restore to me the joy of my salvation. Thank You for touching my needy, wounded soul. Oh, how I need You.