When I have no new books and I rarely ever reread a book, I write. And I’m not talking about blogs. I mean, I write blogs. But I’m talking about writing fiction. I figure I have a good imagination and surely I can come up with a good story. I’m on my third page. I started this afternoon. I love reading. I love writing. And no, I won’t share. 🙂
It is my dream to be able to write a story about my life under a different name of course. But to be able to express how I feel about some people and be paid for it would be amazing. Gossip sells and my life could be summed up as a soap opera so I have no doubts as to whether or not it would be published. I do have doubts about whether or not people would read it and figure out who is who. Then I would have a big mess… mainly because there are so many people I don’t care for. I can think of several right now. All girls. What does that tell you? Oh well I’ve always liked the male gender better. They are less complicated when it comes to dealing with life. That doesn’t make the male population any less confusing to be sure so don’t get that mixed up.

My Mother was an amazing woman. Yes, I struggled with my relationship with her, but that doesn’t change the fact that I admired, respected and adored her. I can’t help but despise the fact that Sybol Allen is not known and will not be known to a certain someone. And no one cares. But I do and I hate it. I don’t even want to look at, or speak to that person. There is no respect. And the lies that have made this event come about do nothing to encourage compassion within my heart. Not that I’m a very compassionate person as it is (I know this to be very true so don’t even try to say otherwise), but this makes me want to harden my heart towards you. You don’t deserve it.

I know what you are thinking at this point Dad. But please remember this is my blog, my opinions and all I ask is that you don’t make decisions based on my feelings.

Anna seems to think I have a Mr. Darcy in my life. It’s absurd. She thinks it’s RG. I told her my life is not based on a book, or a movie. As I have told several people in the last couple weeks, I wouldn’t date him if he was the last guy on earth. He’s stuck up, self-centered, and has a fear of commitment. And I do laugh at him. He is far from perfect, girls and, it’s high time someone of the female gender realized this fact. This is sounding a bit like Elizabeth’s opinions of Mr. Darcy isn’t it? Who cares? While we’re talking about all the things I don’t like about RG (you guys do know how much I adore him so just let me have my say and we’ll be done with it). I don’t like that he is only attracted to far too skinny blond-headed girls and he has a whole slew of girls that fit that description who are fans of his. It disgusts me. I promise I have a whole list in the back of my head of things I don’t like about him, but right now that is the only thing I can remember and it’s not even completely accurate because he wasn’t attracted to the Bobbsey Twins (the actual Bobbsey twin characters were, by the way, male and female unlike the twins I’m talking about).
Anyways, RG is the one friend I can have a conversation with on the phone and it’s not weird nor do I dread it. Of course that’s probably only because we don’t ever talk more than 10-15 minutes and those are the kinds of phone calls I like: short, sweet and to the point. But then we cover a large range of topics too. In person, I try not to talk to him too much. I’m too comfortable around him. I don’t care what he thinks and that gets me in trouble (with myself) at times.
I keep trying to think of girls that I approve of to set him up with, but his biggest fault is being a pecan farmer in South GA. What girl is going to want to live here for the rest of her life? I don’t know of any.
Oh, the other big thing I don’t like about him is that he doesn’t come to church consistently. I don’t understand that. If I don’t go to church it’s because I don’t want too and that isn’t very often. But he goes off for what? It’s always something valid. It irritates me.
And I don’t understand why he didn’t tell. Wait, I do know. He forgot. I felt like his secretary today making phone calls so people would know that we are going to watch a movie instead of having the Bible study. Perhaps I should have left it that way and it would have been a very awkward night with just the two of us. Ha! Not really, there is no being awkward with RG. I am rambling. And I have far too many paragraphs about him. Just pray he lets me drive his truck. That will be the highlight of my week! I love his truck (just between you and me that is the only reason I’m his friend).

Josh Bales. Yes, let’s talk about another guy. The concert is happening. I had a ten minute conversation with Josh on Thursday. We are both super excited about it. He is going to call me a couple weeks ahead of time and set the date then. RG told me today that whatever day I chose is good for him. Isn’t he sweet? *yes, that was a bit of sarcasm* Actually, I was very thankful for that. I mean, he is going to be right in the middle of harvest and that would be so confusing to go between him and Josh over and over to get a good day. Be expecting more details soon.

I need to go to bed. I’m feeling rather ill emotionally and mentally. Do you know what I have realized about myself? Several things actually. One, I’m an emotional drinker. I drink coke when I don’t want to deal with life or whatever is being thrown my way. At least it’s not beer right?! Second, I don’t need a man. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I only want a man for one reason and it isn’t a good one. As Carrie told me the other day, “That’s your problem!” We both started laughing. I realize it really is a problem. But I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve never *needed* anyone or that’s the lie I’ve told myself and I seem to be doing pretty well at this point, so I don’t see a need to change. I guess deep down, I’m asking for prayer. I don’t even know at this point.

Of course, if I was telling myself and you the truth it would read a bit more like this: I do need people. I need my family. I need friends. I need to be taken care of. But I hate feeling like I need something. I don’t like dependent upon others. So it’s easier to ignore these stupid feelings of needing.

But we aren’t dealing with the truth. We are dealing with lies. And right now I like the lies better than I like the truth. Again, the lie that it hurts less to need less is sounding pretty good.

Good night friends.